Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
