I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
