So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
