I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
