i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
