Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Never let your siblings swipe right.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
