I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize