I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
