A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
