Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
