Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
