im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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