I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
