I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
