I accidentally had phone sex last night
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
