Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
