saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
