i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
