I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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