After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
