dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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