She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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