I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
