I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You ate ashes out of my bong
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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