After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
