broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
