Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
