we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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