god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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