She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
