I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
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I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
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The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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