Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
