You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
operation have a gay friend backfired
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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