so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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