So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
