At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
