nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
