I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
