Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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