she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
