They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
