made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
