There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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