the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
