I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
