I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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