So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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