Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
