you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
