i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
