So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
