she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
