i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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