a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
